mikegerber.com

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

It’s been impossible to watch the NBA Playoffs without being subjected to something deeply annoying. Yes, ESPN’s coverage, but also Michael Jordan’s new moustache.

Whoa!

Nothing says “surrounded by yes-men in an egotistical, self-destructive celeb-flameout” like bizarre personal grooming. Yes, MJ’s ‘stache is more subtle than Elvis’ flab-packed spangled jumpsuits or Mike Tyson’s facial tattoo, but am I wrong to suggest that this may be a cry for help? Up top, it’s a Hitler moustache; down below, it’s a soul patch (or “jazz dart,” as I’ve also heard it called). I hereby christen this arrangement the “soul Hitler,” and plead with any of you hirsute enough to cultivate one to please NOT DO SO. Unless you want to look like a jazz trumpet player with a taste for genocide.

Here’s the ad. (By the way, Hanes, I’m glad that you won’t let me embed it, because it’s awful.) Please note how they use trick photography to film Jordan and the actor separately, thus making it possible for Jordan, once one of the most charismatic guys on the planet, to give a performance with the expressiveness of a totem pole.