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You can’t say I don’t TRY to get people’s attention. ‘Course now the site stats are personal; will I get a proud, firm spike? or a humiliating drop?

But I’m talking, of course, about “My Penis and Everybody Else’s,” Lawrence Barraclough’s excellent 2007 documentary. Lawrence—I feel that I can use his first name, now that I’ve seen his trouser buddy—made this film for BBC Three in an attempt to answer the question, “Why don’t men talk about their dicks and what, if anything, can be done to remedy this psychologically disastrous state of affairs?” I’ve always wondered, would we have wars if dick problems weren’t so rampant? How about Land Rover dealerships? Would a more weiner-positive environment enable famous Dicks like Nixon and Cheney to turn into reasonable human beings? I’d take a gander at Cheney’s dick, or the W-ang, if it brought about world peace. Anything less, though, and we’d better be members of the same health club.

Moving on!

After watching Barraclough’s documentary, you’ll know loads about men’s intimate equipment (it varies quite a lot), how they feel about it (conflicted), how women feel about it (this also varies quite a lot), and so forth. It’s really a wonderfully engaging film, about a hangup that causes a lot of people—men and women—a tremendous amount of needless suffering.

And the really surprising thing is, it turns out all the guys in porn are a bit on the SMALL side.

Just kidding.