Archive | April, 2007

Newsbreaks for Monday

Audio version is here. Text:Beachgoers in Southern California have been discovering the corpses of dolphins and other sea mammals. Experts believe that the culprit is a certain type of toxic acid. “They freak out and forget how to swim,” said one. “We’ve GOT to find their dealer.” A Japanese company is selling a new patch [...]

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Newsbreaks for Friday

Audio version is here. Text:Last night, in the first debate of the 2008 Presidential race, Senator Barack Obama said that we are one signature away from ending the war in Iraq. “Hell,” Obama said, “he can even print.” “G…E…O…” In an effort to restrict kids’ access to junk food, the Institute of Medicine has come [...]

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Newsbreaks for Thursday

Audio version is here. Text:Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has rejected a Congressional subpoena regarding Saddam and WMD. “This is an issue that has been answered and answered and answered,” Rice said. “I’m immoral, I’m irresponsible, and I’m an idiot.” Rice says she respects the oversight role of the legislative branch, but it’s that special [...]

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Newsbreaks for Wednesday

Audio version is here. Text:America took another step towards “grandpa-ocracy” today, as Arizona Senator John McCain announced his Presidential candidacy. Speaking in New Hampshire, he said that America was fighting “a global struggle with violent extremists.” And that’s just the Bush Administration. The candidate went on to pledge that he would work with anyone who [...]

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Newsbreaks for Tuesday

Audio version is here. Text:A week after the massacre at Virginia Tech, students at Baghdad Technology University are expressing their sympathy and solidarity. This banner reads, “Are you accepting transfer applications?” As far as how to heal, the Iraqi kids recommend prayer. You know the old saying: there are no atheists in lecture. The Baghdad [...]

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Newsbreaks for Monday

Audio version is here. Text:The Kremlin announced today that former Russian leader Boris Yeltsin has died at age 76. The cause of Mr. Yeltsin’s death was described as “heart failure,” but alcoholism is demanding a recount. The Veterans Administration has agreed to allow the pentagram, or five-pointed star, to be used on grave markers. “We’re [...]

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Newsbreaks for Friday

Audio version is here. Text:This week animal rights activists tried to block a Rolling Stones concert planned for Belgrade’s main racetrack. They’re concerned it will scare the horses stabled there. An activist said, “A jockey told them all about Altamont.” Eventually they reached a compromise: the concerts will go on, but the racehorses will be [...]

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Newsbreaks for Thursday

Audio version is here. Text:One day after the shooting at Virginia Tech, a Tennessee woman walked into a kindergarten classroom, pulled out a toy gun, and fired it several times. As she was wrestled to the ground, she was heard to say, “You guys have no sense of humor.” Here’s a picture of the woman. [...]

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Newsbreaks for Wednesday

Audio version is here. Text:Officials at the Antwerp Zoo are asking visitors not to interact with one of their animals, a male chimpanzee named Cheetah. Because Cheetah was raised by humans, he bonds more with people than with his own species and, as a zookeeper noted, “we’ve seen how well that works out.” A nude [...]

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Newsbreaks for Tuesday

Audio version is here. Text:In a video posted online, a top insurgent leader boasted today that his al-Qaida-linked group was now making its own rockets. All I can say is: fucking Estes, man. Less than a week after suffering a brutal car crash, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine is still in critical condition, and facing [...]

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