Archive | May, 2006

My Water Party

31 May 2006

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I was flipping through the Sharper Image catalog (motto: “Buy a nose-hair trimmer once, get mail forever”) and I saw something called a “Weapons-Grade Super Soaker.” Now, I’m all for summer fun, but there is something very, very wrong with a culture that gives its children “weapons-grade” waterguns. What is wrong is that I am [...]

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So I went to see the X-Men movie…

28 May 2006

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…and was totally disappointed! None of my favorite ones were in it. I couldn’t have been the only kid who loved “Lariat,” the guy with the mammoth, prehensile penis. Or “Waft,” the dorky dude who could turn into a mildly unpleasant smell. Him and Wolverine fighting would’ve been great comic relief. Or “Spurt”–remember Spurt, the [...]

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Five things you didn’t know about the Indy 500

26 May 2006

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The famed Indy 500 auto race takes place this weekend, and even though only retards care, I thought I’d share a few Indy facts I’ve picked up over the years. Fallacy #1: It’s called the Indy 500 because the track is located near Indianapolis, Indiana. Untrue! The race is named for its first winner, Indira [...]

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A fishing story

25 May 2006

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In honor of Memorial Day and the official start of summer, I’d like to share my only fishing story. Like all the best ones, I have no evidence whatever that it actually happened, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. I haven’t been fishing since, not because of what happened (though it [...]

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Cheating at Stutts

19 May 2006

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Reading the Times’ recent expose on collegiate cheating—short version: it’s rampant, and they use iPods and other elder-mystifying technology to do it—made me wonder about the state of affairs at my alma mater, Stutts University. Not surprisingly, cheating at Stutts is state-of-the-art. Very surprisingly, it’s fully condoned by the university! “We’re just about to open [...]

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Great Littleton’s biggest used bookstore closes

17 May 2006

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Stutts is closed for the summer, but life goes on in Great Littleton—by which we mean it continues to get worse. Last week, local bibliophiles were saddened to hear that Shabby’s, the campus’ legendary used bookstore, was closing after 40 years of service to the local community. The move wasn’t a surprise; the future of [...]

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Has anybody else gone to Disneyland lately?

11 May 2006

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Uh, I don’t know if there’s been a shareholder revolt or something, but I have to say I was shocked to see that it’s been turned into a shrine to H.P. Lovecraft. Where’s Mickey? Where’s Minnie? According to the guy on the tram, “all were driven insane after seeing things no mortal could withstand.” For [...]

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We saw the letter!

8 May 2006

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According to The New York Times, Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written President Bush a letter. Jon Schwarz and I have seen a copy of the letter which, frankly, blew us away. Ahmadinejad’s reaching out represents a turning-point in the current stalemate between America and Iran, and will very likely spur a whole flurry of [...]

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History’s greatest bullies?

5 May 2006

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In the wake of Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen calling satirist Stephen Colbert “a bully,” Jon and I started wondering: is Colbert the biggest bully in history? Probably. But being believers in the democratic process, we decided to assemble a list and leave the choice to you. 1. Charlie Chaplin attacks a defenseless Hitler (1937)Anybody [...]

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Ze Frank

5 May 2006

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“[On zefrank.com] there’s the joyous sense of experimentation and play, which goes against a very popular form of humor these days, which is unlimited up-scale sarcastic anger, I guess. I happen to think it’s very funny. I’m a huge South Park fan, and I really enjoyed the Jackass movie. On the other hand, I think [...]

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