Chinese President Visits Stutts

As was widely reported, Chinese President Hu Jintao ended his American visit with a trip to Stutts University. The stay, which was meant to last only a day, ended up stretching through most of the weekend, after the President and his delegation were charmed by a playful re-enactment of the 1989 Tiananmen Square uprising courtesy of The Cuckoo, Stutts' student humor magazine. "Everybody was making such a big deal over it, we naturally wondered what would be the most irresponsible thing possible," Peter Armbruster '08 said. Acting quickly, the rascals decided to re-enact the famous photograph of the man standing in front of the tank--only reversed. In the Cuckoo's version, a normal-sized human (Editor Hart Fox '08) stood in front of a small, remote-controlled tank operated by Armbruster. The Cuckoo failed utterly in its goal of offending people; most passerby on the New Quad either didn't notice or, getting the reference, laughed. The person who laughed the hardest was, surprisingly, President Hu--who broke away from his security detail and introduced himself to the amazed pranksters. "He came up to me with a real pissed-off look on his face and said something like, 'You guys are the assholes,'" Armbruster said. "I was just about to apologize, when he broke out laughing." "The President kept asking, 'Did I get you? Did I get you?'" Fox added. "I finally said, 'President Hu, do you see the peestain on my pants? Yes, you freakin' got us.'" This short conversation led to an impromptu tour of the campus, which ended up--of all places--at the Comma Comma Apostrophe fraternity. CCA was in the midst of its annual Spring drinking contest, where teams of students imbibe competitively to see who will take home the worthless-yet-coveted Golden Stomach Pump. "President Hu was great," Fox said. "When he saw the stomach pump, he understood completely. I guess boozing is an international language." President Hu immediately insisted that The Cuckoo be allowed to field a team, with himself as anchor. Several members of his entourage filled out the rest of the squad, after being field-promoted to editor status. The Cuckoo coasted to victory, but it came at a high price for the President, who was in no condition to travel. The delegation was farmed out to various dorm couches for the night. The next morning, a pale-looking Hu and his staff invoked a traditional Stutts hangover cure--some greaseburgers at Gristle's--before leaving town. The Cuckoo boys think Great Littleton might not have seen the last of Hu. "When we told him about Naked Night, he seemed totally psyched," Fox said. "I guess we'll just have to wait 'til September and see if he shows up."